And of course, there are times where you’d say, “of course it won’t look like the original, you’re obviously using a different object than what the original did!” but they’ve also reproduced a lot of other things in a creative way. It’s a fun new way to debunk a lot of this stuff, though they sometimes still leave a story, “open to possibilities.” They also do their fair share of explaining submissions as they come in, and keeping each other in check. There may be one member of the team who’s totally fired up to go investigate their pet submission, and in the next breath, another teammate says, “I’ve seen that before, it was staged.” So they’re not going into everything wide-eyed, but not completely shutting down everything either.

Hell, it’s more fun than watching the adult version of a spooky slumber party that Ghost Hunters is.

I also took the first of my online training courses for my new seasonal position. I’ll be a receptionist this time instead of a tax preparer. Maybe it was working in the area I was at the time, but handling the financial documents of people you don’t know to get a buck seems needlessly stressful. Sure, I could make more money that way, but I don’t NEED to make more money that way. We’re even considering whatever I earn as extra money so it’s more important that I do something that won’t start to bleed into my other job and into me moving forward with my plans for this year. They’re big, but I have confidence in myself.

If this post seems a little nonsensical, it’s because I also have some Monday Night Raw on the TV, and for the first time in a while, we’re both home to watch it at the broadcasted time. My fiance had to take the day off work because our car decided it wanted a sick day off. It had been kind of running weird, but neither of us thought much about it. It just sounded funny for the most part, and a couple times didn’t start up right away, but the engine was still turning, so we were just hoping we wouldn’t have to deal with anything too big just yet. Well, AAA came by with a cool diagnostic device that checks out your car’s electrical system and does little print outs and such (I want one!), and while it was pretty obvious that the battery was shot (there was a lot of corrosion on it), at least that was the only problem. We ended up buying a new battery from them. It was more expensive, but they made a compelling argument: They guarantee it for 3 years, and will replace it anytime between then, and they saved us a lot of time, which is just as valuable as money. Plus, I’m getting a small paycheck next week which will just about cover the cost, so while the timing was bad, it wasn’t a scary or dire problem at all. It did take a while which caused my fiance to have to stay home from work, because all the AAA stuff is in his name.

We both got a lot of Star Wars: The Old Republic time and I finally got to pick up my new coffee maker from UPS since they messed up my rescheduling request. We’re watching Wrestling and I’m testing/blogging because the servers went down for maintenance. It’s the FINAL maintenance before things go live tomorrow. I’m hoping that it keeps the queues down tomorrow since they’ve been so bad. There’s almost no wait during the day but towards the evening when people come back from school and work…might as well log in and head to the kitchen to make dinner or sit in front of the TV and watch an episode of something. It’s at least a half hour until you’re going to get in.

We also got our physical game copies today finally, put in our codes, and I upgraded digitally from the basic version. I got some cute stuff. I got an in-game camera, which basically takes first person screenshots and eliminates your UI from the shot for you. I also got a wristlet for the VIP Lounge, a holographic dancer, a Speeder for use at level 25, and a little droid which I still have to use and check out. It’s been a very fun game, allowing me to test Bioware-style gaming and share the experience with my friends while playing. I think they’ve got something great going here, and I anticipate that I’m going to have lots of Alts. There’s just so many story lines to explore! One of our friends commented that “Guild Wars 2 is going to be better”, but I doubt it. Bioware has an actual studio separate from their other one devoted to this, and they have the rights to an amazing franchise full of history….they have material for years to come. They’ve also made a strong start, I believe. Plus I personally didn’t like Guild Wars. I couldn’t get into it. It was very generic, I didn’t like how the mechanics worked, and the instancing wasn’t the best. Character designs were lacking as well, if I remember right. There’s probably people who still liked it where I didn’t though. I just think a statement like that demonstrates that they haven’t played SWTOR. I feel bad for them and their inferior gaming experience.

I mean, I will take your word for it, because I am not a detective as well. But if it’s supposedly your year to claim your child as a dependent, and I entered that in based on information from you, you shouldn’t get mad and not pay me for my work and service when you find out that your ex has done his taxes beforehand and claimed your child already. I didn’t do it. I also didn’t enjoy having to explain to people why their refunds were lower than what they got off someone who helped them claim all sorts of things last year that you’re not supposed to. I’d love to bend the rules, but I don’t make them in this case. It just got too touchy for me.

So for now, I am working. I go in for paid training starting next week for 12 hours total, then I start again in January. It kind of made me chortle a bit, because I got this job right as someone else didn’t get hired back for theirs. I usually don’t giggle at the misfortune of others (much), but it came to my attention that while I was not around, in order to impress this person, her significant other decided to make the snide comment that the only one who doesn’t have a job is me. My fiance stuck up for me and said, “but she does way more useful things than you guys do with your time”. So ha ha ha. I’ve actually had a job this whole time, doing more meaningful things; I just want something that pays and that also gets me on the grid because I understand how this society works, and I want to work within the system until there is an opportunity for change. I try to change little things as well as I can, but there has to be a big push for change. I can’t do it alone.

But I digress; I deeply admire people who are working and earning a living. But if you’re only doing it for money, and you think that makes you superior to others, then you’re stupid and don’t deserve that job. People work for way better reasons than that, and they deserve your job. Give it to someone who is going to use it to support their family. Give it to someone who is going to use it to support their dreams. And for crying out loud, if you’re going to brag and try to lord it over me or anyone else, be sure you’re doing something that is going to change the world for the better, even if it’s just for one person.

I’ve been a confidante to socially awkward people. I’ve helped save a home for foreclosure. I’ve helped people straighten out their finances, been there to help them find the answers to tough questions at their most vulnerable, when everyone else wanted to take advantage of them. I’ve administered minor medical care. I’ve been a consumer advocate, a PR Representative, hospice care worker, accountant, performer, reception, tax preparer, and provided intimidation to keep friends and family safe from time to time. No, I haven’t always gotten paid money, but these are all still occupations, and they were services provided to someone else for something in exchange. Does that make make me less of a person than someone who’s had everything handed to them, who has a teaching assistant job? Or a position that was made for them that they take for granted? I wouldn’t think so, but there are a couple people out there who are so short sighted that they think that it does.

It’s okay. I just need to keep going on and working however I can, because I find worth in me. I know that I’m a person, and that I’ve helped a lot of other people. I’ve built a network of people who won’t let me fall because I wouldn’t let them fall. Negativity shouldn’t depress me, it should drive me. It shouldn’t make me feel angry, it should make me feel that there’s someone else who doesn’t understand things and will again need my help someday. In this case I should really feel sorry for them because they’ve said and insinuated on different occasions that I’m a well-put together person, I’m good at what I do, and that I’m an all around pretty decent person; they must feel pretty bad about themselves that they feel that they have to knock me down a peg or two.

On a less depressing note though, I have the job, but it’s going to cut into my Old Republic time. That’s okay though, because I want to use this money to fund some longtime plans. We also got the desktops running this week just in time for Old Republic, so we can Star Wars out all we want and I won’t have to worry if my graphics card on my HP Laptop will hold out the whole time. It was so fun in the beta, I can’t wait for the Pre-Launch! I also took the opportunity to start downloading all the Steam games I’ve sat on because my best laptop didn’t have room for all of them. I have 1 TB of space now, so that shouldn’t be an issue.

We also got our printer working again, and the printer company was nice enough to send us replacement ink and two write heads. So far, the problem seems to be fixed, but I have to figure out why I can’t get it to work off our network again. We didn’t have it unplugged for that long. The new computer is close enough to the printer that I can just plug in the printer cable and do things the old fashioned way, so it’s not so bad.

Hmm…now for the more immediate stuff. I need to figure out what I want to eat, and whether I want to cook, or we’re catching something on the way home.

Ooh, ooh! Edit to sneak this in. Wouldn’t it be great if George Takei got to host SNL? I hope he would actually want to. Just in case, here’s a link to a Facebook Petition! Get George Takei on SNL!

I also slowly gained more confidence. I’ve done a lot that I can’t always talk about because I’ve had to solve problems for more than just my current ‘employer’. I don’t want to put anyone on the spot for that sort of thing. But I’ve learned that when I’m given something completely unfamiliar, I may freak out for a moment, but for the most part I stay calm and I keep pushing at it from different angles if that’s what’s necessary. If that doesn’t solve the problem, I find a way. I always do. There’s still times I doubt myself, but I always find my way out, and find a way to make everything okay. Myself, my fiance, the people who I try to help, we always end up okay at the end of the day. I make sure the survival parts are down so we can all go out and enjoy life. There is a difference between surviving and living life, you know. You just have to look and see how it applies to you, and not get so stressed out that you don’t want to get out of bed. Not get so stressed out that you don’t want to wake up, and anyone who wakes you up or tries to get you out of bed for your own well being you start considering them another problem to sleep through. I’ve done that, I’ve also stayed up agonizing about things so badly that I don’t sleep until the following morning, and by that time there’s no chance to sleep. Or if I do sleep, it cuts into work time. I’ve slept to compensate for those times. I’ve slept so much that I became sick because of it. I’ve broken down and had to pick myself up again. Over money, over disappointing people, over not feeling like I had any control over my own life.

In the end though, I think I’ve come a long way, and I have a whole lot more growing to do. It will be interesting though, not scary or stressful in the crippling way that it used to. I will still get stressed, still get angry, still not want to move at times. But now I am able to take some time for myself, and think about it in a more productive way, or sometimes, just take a break from it like I’m doing right now. I’ve made all the calls I can for the day. I’ve gotten all the information people are willing to give me. I have an interview scheduled for myself after the doctor tomorrow, and I have a decisive plan all the way until Thursday, where I will have a little moment like this to rest again. Maybe I’ll add to my blog more then, or maybe I’ll finish one of the two books I’m reading, the Rey Mysterio Biography or Absolute Mayhem.

At the end of all this though, I will always be that personal assistant to whoever needs it. Or problem-solver, or whatever I could be classified as. Personal Assistant looks so much better on a resume.

So currently I am trying to pin down a schedule where I will also be able to start exercising again (I was really, really, really sick) and ‘work’, as well as have a more traditional paying position hopefully. I also have to leave room for the new Star Wars: The Old Republic game! I’ve had a couple beta opportunities (the last email said I could talk about it all I want, nya), and although I haven’t finished a Bioware game through no fault of theirs (they’re great, I just suck at budgeting time and something work related always distracts me away), this made me want to play it. And pick up the Mass Effect and Dragon Age series’ again and finish them all. It’s a tall order, but I think I can do it now. It’s not like when I was playing World of Warcraft and had tunnel vision for it. I am going to do a variety of enjoyable things as well as work, damn it! Other people manage to do it every day, I think I can manage it too (though I still have some TV and Wrestling to catch up on, it’s been very busy since Thanksgiving, with only a day here and there off. Not even weekends. Buh).

Also: Play Old Republic. It’s going to be a blast.

I can vouch for this from experience. I used to do Folklorico for 11 years. I stopped because I wanted to rebel and because college at the time wasn’t close enough for bi-weekly visits (I had wanted to join the club/class at the college for an easy A at the time, but it conflicted with a class I needed), but I was professional grade. I ended up in a Clipper’s Half-Time Show that was televised along with my second cousin who was in the same dance class, because we were taught to be adaptable (the other 2 girls from our dance class didn’t make it). We showed up for the wrong event, and we made the best of it. That’s how good I used to be. Eleven years later, I’ve gotten lazy about fitness. I have a gym membership that collects dust, that I badly want to alter because it’s money that could be used elsewhere. But maybe I’ll start driving and make my way over there.

So in the meantime, I’ve been doing push ups (I used to be involved with Okinawa-te Karate), only 20 a day to my once 50 or more a day. I had to work my way to that too. I do crunches (30), 2 types of leg lifts (20 of each), and 3 types of squats (10 of each). My fiance and I went jogging a few times, but depending on the season and the time of day, I don’t feel comfortable. Fresh cut grass and people staring at me have that effect. I will get to what I was before, then I want to transcend it. I won’t be as tiny because I want to be more athletic looking and well, I gained some curves along the way. I basically want to be a cross between AJ (who actually has a smaller frame than I do, and is about the same height…I have broad shoulders for a lady, and hers are pretty narrow) and the Bella Twins (they’re taller than me, but they’re muscular in a not completely overt way, they have nice shoulders, and no offense to those who did, but they didn’t buy their racks). I want to look proportionate, and I’m willing to work for it. It’s not going to happen overnight though.

For now, I am breathing better, walking better, and I am taking one less medicine. My body is also starting to change shape, if not just straight up getting rid of the flub. I know it may take up to a year to drop the floppiness I want to deny is there, but I just have to be patient. I hate that. I also have people who tell me that I’m not fat; I figure my clothes are that magical, or they’re being polite. I know I’m not huge, but I am bigger than my frame is happy with, and my joints tell me so every day. I haven’t had those complaints since I started taking vitamins and a little more calcium daily, and also started exercising more. I’m on my way! I will dance again, or something similarly active!

I also have a new iPhone because I had to replace the dying old one, and I have a couple apps that I’m trying out. I have to see how they work for me. One is called Nexercise, and it’s supposed to award you redeemable points that can go towards gift cards for places. The other one I’ve had for a long time and had neglected it, called Weightbot. So far, I know you enter your weight and it will record that amount, the day, and your BMI (which is a bullshit antiquated number, really).

I can also play Dance Central 2 as loud as my sensitive ears can take (not too much louder than before) and play when I want and not worry, because WEGOTTHEHOUSEWEGOTTHEHOUSEWEGOTTHEHOUSE! We closed and moved in over August, and the other house issues were resolved finally at the end of September. Just a couple more paperwork things there, and it’s done forever. Both are throwing off the finances some, but in the end it’s worth it, and everyone’s adjusting well. It’s so nice not to have to worry where you’ll live next. We had to worry about some home owner woes having to do with the Plumbing, but as usual my fiance and I took the crash course challenge and whipped its ass, and came out triumphant. Family on both sides helped out some with money and labor, but we were the ones who had to do it, and did. It was scary at the time; no one wants to find out that something doesn’t work, and there’s no Landlord to fix it. I mean, with our old apartment we were pretty much on our own unless something like the main line was screwed up, because it affected the whole building (read: favorite residents of the Landlord). That was our problem here though, the main line. It’s cleaned out, and we just have to save up and get it lined before we can’t do that anymore, but with proper maintenance, we have a little time. Plus, we know what proper maintenance is now.

Now, since I was talking about women wrestling, here’s a little older WWE Clip. I miss Michelle McCool. She was a great performer. I hope she comes back soon.

My fiance is also trying to talk me into playing City of Heroes, because it’s gone free to play and one of our friends made the mistake of logging back on and talking about it on Facebook. It was just the excuse that was needed. My fiance is downloading it as we speak, while he looks at Ebay for Heroclix. We used to play that game a lot, let go of it for a while, and now we have a couple friends in Boston who play and collect it, so when we visited them earlier in the month, well, we played. And now he wants to collect it again. I mean, we both love Comic Books, so it makes sense. We also won’t be spending money on L5R until January, so I guess he is looking for other stuff to do in the meantime.

For me, I’m trying to make more female friends. It has stalled a bit again, because I was concentrating on one in particular who doesn’t seem to want to play. Oh well, she’s going through a tough time, and I would offer to talk to her more, but I hardly ever see her. She’s either at work or hanging out with her male friends even though I have invited her out a few times. Oh well. Maybe I’m trying too hard there, and need to branch out, so I am trying to meet more women with which to hang out with. This came up because my fiance and I don’t have Halloween plans. We are usually out of state, and we don’t know what’s local and fun to go to, so we would stay in. This year we are home, but weren’t prepared for it. So no plans. I was hoping this would be the time for me to go somewhere with this female friend, but alas, she has slipped through my fingers again.

I know, we’ll either find a huge Halloween event, or have a fun party at our place next year. My fiance has been consistently home on weekends for the last couple of years, so we have a plan! We shall do something the weekend before! I do want to use this as an excuse to watch some scary movies though. Halloween being on a Monday is a pain. We missed all the good weekend Halloweens!

I’m also watching even more Wrestling. It’s cool to see the WWE Divas Division starting to do more, but they’re still not quite there yet. It’s one of the reasons Gail Kim left the company and went back to TNA. She’s supposed to be wrestling her first match back there tomorrow, so I will be watching it for her. I don’t know about that whole show though…I went to the site and the first thing I see is a blurb that’s clearly a rip off of WWE’s “Raw Anonymous General Manager” and a reference to “The Immortals”, guys from Hogan’s era, including Hogan, who shouldn’t be wrestling because of their age. Maybe I’m wrong, that’s just my opinion. It just makes me sad to think that those old guys are getting into the ring and creating new chronic injuries for themselves. Oh well, tomorrow will tell if I like that show as well and whether or not I start recording it on my DVR.

Maybe it doesn’t like that I’m on my Mac. But…it’s the laptop I have on hand at the moment. Should I have to get up to appease the Chrome gods?! Well I hope not, because I’m still sitting right here. I’ve had an action packed day here. I went walking and on the bus, first to try to find someone to cut a key (why the hell did all those places close in my current town, I don’t know), then to get my butt to a casting call.

The casting call was fun. Apparently the local gaming store (collectible card games, board games, miniatures, not OMG casino gaming) was approached to do a reality show about the shop. I was hesitant to check it out at first, because I wondered, “How are they going to do this? Pick people, and be all like, ‘When 6 geeks are forced to live together, things stop getting polite. They get real.’ or something?” But it was actually not too bad. They just took our questionares, took notes during a short little interview, and that was it. They may pick me, but if they don’t, it’s not the end of things, I still have a life to live. Unless part of the reality show is murdering people who auditioned but didn’t make it. I didn’t sign THAT waiver.

Ooh, ooh! And I have a mini-tournament report! I basically told them about my experience at Kotei, the annual event for Legend of the Five Rings collectible card game (you can check it out at L5R.com). Basically, I didn’t do so hot on my first couple of games. I hadn’t had time beforehand to prepare something good, and let’s face it, I’ve lost my groove when it comes to that game. I wasn’t really that good to begin with because I build my decks with the “ooh, shiny!” mentality instead of necessarily going with what will win me the game. I forgot to change that for this event. In the beginning, we all joked about us “competing” for who would get bottom of clan, because there was a cute little branded wooden pog piece that you could get which had the event name on the back and the front was a picture representative of your respective clan. Based on this, I decided to change my mindset, and I wasn’t the only one. The way I was seeing it, there’s a prize for First and Last; you get nothing for mediocrity.

It was actually an effort to get to the bottom; if I lost, that meant someone else who was trying the same strategy had to win. So, in order to make it fair, I had to appeal to egos. I had to tell them how they could win without them realizing that’s what I was doing, or in one case, I helped another guy to an alternate goal so he didn’t go home empty handed and got one of the laser engraved shot glasses that went for alternate and unusual things, such as sportsmanship or most personalities on the board. My fiance was trying for this in his clan as well, until he hit a wall. One guy, who was a really bad sport and was terrible to play against, started to whine. A lot. In a way that made my fiance want to crush the opposing deck so he wouldn’t have to sit across from this jerk anymore. In the end though, he was going to try to concede to this guy, but the guy threatened to report the win as my fiance’s to the Tournament Organizer if my fiance didn’t go do it himself. See, this guy was whining his way to the bottom. He was doing so bad that he had to play me for our last game.

Meanwhile, between rounds and outside in the hall, placements were put up. I saw a guy talking with his friends about how he was trying for last Scorpion, check the list, then go apeshit. He was screaming and having a fit. A grown man was doing this. Why? Because he saw “some girl” was beating him for last in clan. I ducked back into the room, because that girl was me. I was the only female playing Scorpion to my knowledge, and I had also checked my ranking right before him. He probably would have thought he was so awesome getting in my face, or at least glared at me. I didn’t want to deal with the confrontation, no matter how subtle. I was there to have fun, damn it.

So, back to my last game. The whole time, the guy is being as odious as possible, talking about how he has to go back to his brat of a kid and shrew of a wife, and how his life is soooo bad, and looking up things on his PSP portable. He surfed the web specifically to show me that the Mantis was going to have a “Seductress” soon. I did my best to just get through the game without doing losing too obviously because remember, this is the guy who won’t take concessions. And he was a wiener. Yes, Mantis Clan. One among you at the SoCal Kotei this year was a raging wiener. He was terrible to play against, rude, said some stuff that was chauvinistic, and in the end, I could have steamrolled the shit out of him with my army. But that wasn’t my goal. When he noticed this and whined about it because apparently he’s never had someone hit him and tell him to suck it up because life hurts sometimes, I just sat back, pouted a little, and said quietly, “unfortunately, that’s not how my deck works. I think you got me sir. Good game.”

He was all grins. He was proud of this “win”, until while packing up my cards I let drop, “well, thank you anyways, you helped me get last in Clan.” His jaw dropped. He was scowling. It made me smile.

So I gave the long story here. I actually was so effective in my climb to the bottom that I ended up with one of those laser engraved shot glasses myself because I was last overall as well! But basically yes, I told a shorter version of this account, and was told through giggles, “Oh, so you’re a tricky gamer!”

Yes, I am tricky, but most of the time people have a nice chuckle about it and give me my props for it. Not so much at this year’s Comic-con in the dealer’s room the last day. Between this guy, the guy above that I had to play and a certain ex-friend’s “husband”, I’m beginning to think guys with scraggly, long thin ponytails who look like they need to freaking eat and engage in hygiene are total assholes as a rule.

Let me explain this situation. So it’s the last day of con, and usually dealers slash their prices because they don’t want to ship stuff back home to a far away place, or they just want to make some money after realizing their prices were way too high throughout the event. My fiance and I wanted the copy of Absolute Crisis that this one dealer had sitting there. No one was buying it at $80. My fiance asked me if I would ask for a discount, because otherwise we would take our chances with Amazon, where it was $75, but we’d have to pay shipping or risk it being damaged. So, I go over to the scraggly, greasy looking dude’s booth in my Red Lantern shirt, and I ask him if he’s willing to go to $70. I was willing to go to $75, but I was also a little flirty when I asked this, so he said sure, he’d go $70. I gestured to my fiance that I needed the money, and I guess that put the scraggly one on edge. Then the vendor saw that I was handing him $80 (sorry, I didn’t have change). He got rude suddenly and stated, “Oh, you HAD the money, you just didn’t want to PAY the money.” I was thrown off for a second. Usually, a vendor will just smile at me, make change, give me the stuff and say thank you, and we both leave the transaction at least satisfied. But this guy decided to take it personal. So I shot back, “Well, I gotta eat after this, you know.” Not the best comeback, but whatever. I didn’t think I would have to defend my position here. As he stated next, “well, I did agree to this, so it’s my fault.”

Then, as he’s handing me the book, he says that it was a pretty dishonest thing to do, and that I ruined things for everyone else. As I’m walking away, he points at me and says loudly, “See that girl? She just ruined it for all of you.” Yeah, all of 2 people buddy. I just pointed at my shirt with a slight smile and said, “Yeah, it’s the anger.” I wanted to say more, such as how rude he was being, how come he couldn’t be a good sport about things? I hadn’t done anything unethical, per se. It’s not my fault he may have felt jilted or something. After that he had the same woman who seemed quiet and a little intimidated by him working the booth as he had before. I guess I was his Kryptonite, and he didn’t feel that he could properly handle any more transactions if there was a pretty lady talking to him.

So yes. I am a tricky gamer.

I also found out yesterday that I have an interview in a couple weeks, yay! Its seasonal retail which isn’t glamorous, but it will pay, and it will give me a work history. That’s if I get it though…wish me luck!

The reason I felt the need to blog was I had someone from my past who I’ve had a rocky relationship with for about 10 years now give me a call. It was great, her at the time boyfriend tried to get involved and I discovered the one person I really, truly hate, because let’s face it, hate is a strong word that people seem to throw around a little casually. Anyone who’s heard me talk about him knows what I think of him, so I’ll just leave it at that. I stopped talking to her because of this, then we started talking again about…2 years ago now for a year. Then the same person butted into the whole thing, and we stopped talking again for about a year, except a literal text and a short email, until today. She called me for my birthday, which I really appreciated. It was also a little painful for me, but that’s just me holding onto shit that I shouldn’t anymore. Its been a year, and she’s halfway across the country…then again, I have a hard time letting go of things. I used to be able to let everything go. I would go to sleep angry or completely depressed, then I would wake up and be able to sweep it under the rug, as if nothing had ever happened. I also had a more selective memory then.

Now, my memory blanks out things at seemingly random, and my long term memory in certain places is shot. There was also one day I woke up and all of my anger stayed. It fades a little bit, but when times seem bad, it comes back almost full force. Same with the depression. I can’t rely on the ‘clean slate’ defense mechanism that I used to. I hold onto things FOREVER it seems. Makes things awkward with family sometimes, I’ll be honest. So I was mad and upset at this person, but only recently have I started to forgive. I mean, I’ve been burned twice here and should have walked away forever, but I’m trying to be more empathic and forgiving of things, and to be able to let things go. I also know that sometimes you can fall in love with the idea of someone, and even when everyone else sees the flaws and is rightfully telling you to ditch them, you can stay on much longer than you should because you think they can redeem themselves someday, or you see remnants of that perceived goodness. And you won’t listen to anyone about it, its something you have to feel, to realize, to do on your own. So while it wasn’t a horrible conversation by far, I did feel like I had to cut it short for the sake of sanity, and it did break up the flow of my day.

At the same time though, it showed me something. I can do it. I can talk to this person if they call, and not let my strange phone-phobia overcome me. I can forgive enough to where its just a dull throbbing somewhere in the back of my mind. I can distance myself from the bad to experience the good. While I still have problems empathizing with people on certain levels or in certain situations, I can at least try to understand and work towards some sort of friendly compromise.

I can be an (undamaged) human after all.

You see, we make enough to keep on going the way we are. But we want more. Especially new shinies. And a house of our own would be great too.

While I periodically make jokes about my fiance getting a second job as a table dancer, its really just something I tease him with because he wants me to come with him, which means no job for me. So when we have to evaluate our finances and see if buying that extra something is a good idea, I will come back with, “well, you could always get a second job dancing on tables” and we have a good laugh about it, and don’t feel half as bad walking away from it because we just made the situation silly.

But yes, I want to re-enter the workforce because I like to buy things, whereas earlier on in life I was satisfied with not getting anything for myself because “I didn’t need it”. My fiance would try to convince me to buy things for myself, or he would just buy them for me if he saw me looking at something a little too long with interest. He’s awesome like that.

But now I want money to save so we can buy a house. And while we can get on by with what we have, it isn’t conducive to saving money at all. So onward! Clerical jobs, gogo! (Because who wants someone who gets all watery-eyed and sneezy when the weather changes handling their food? I know I’m not sick and its allergies, but other people don’t…I also don’t want to go back to retail if I can help it.)